Scourge

Think about the friends you « lost »

Think about the unspoken feelings

Think about the words left unsaid

The almost loves you still experienced.. Alexa, play « Situationship » by Snoh Aalegra !

It happened

It did not happened but it almost happened

It kinda happen

The split is most definitely happening.

Should I have step up and address what was happening… or the actual fact that nothing was happening ?

Silence is also an answer.

Confusion is also an indication on what is happening.

I want clarity.

Direct communication. Even about things not happening.

Unblocked throat chakra for God’s sake.

Can you imagine that fear, I think it’s fear, fear have us stop communicating with people who care about us, you stop talking to someone and they don’t even know why.

And life goes on.

You tell people that one day y’all just stopped talking.

That you grew apart.

That you outgrown them.

The silence is actually as heavy as the confusion, the misunderstanding that was going on and led to the fall out.

Defeaning silence.

Is reconciliation an option ?

At the beginning you hope but sometimes you know the other person is proud, you know their pride is more important to them that the bond.

And still, you would consider it.

I tried. As if all the weight of that relationship, of that bond was only for me to bear.

As if I was the only one to care.

I tried and still my love, my friendship were not reciprocated.

Betrayals of the heart… Reality-check I would say. People you share a bond with, people that have seen your soul, don’t always have the same heart as you.

Everyone wants love but not everybody has the courage it takes to get it.

The courage it takes to say « this how you make me feel, this is how I am feeling right now.  »

The courage to say « I think I want to love you, I think I want to try but I don’t know because of this and this and this.. »

The courage to say « I want to but I don’t know how.. »

I don’t know how to be transparent no more

I don’t know how to let people in no more

I don’t know how to trust no more

I don’t know how to trust my own judgment no more because I am picky and I picked you.

To be my person.

And look what you did.

Look what you’re doing to me.

You’re saying I am your best friend today but how can I be sure you won’t stop talking to me just like that one day… And not even because of something I said or did but because of your own issues…

And you want me to get attached to you ?

Insecurity, on both sides, is what makes us sacrifice connection and bond.

I wish you could see yourself as I see you

I wish people had my heart, I wish I made you feel my love better, my love that used to always trust, always hope, always persevere.

Reconciliation is not an option no more. I am jaded now and now I know that you’re capable of putting me aside. I don’t hold that against you.

Maybe you did it, maybe you’re doing it out of self-love.

All I am saying is, now I know.

And upon that information, I will love myself too.

I will stop waiting for you.

I will stop reminiscing about the so called good times because.. were they ?

I will stop thinking about the potential us.

What we could have been.

I will stop thinking, feeling like you fucked me over.

I am just letting you go. The old you. The you I thought you were.

The bond. Our memories.

The bitterness.

I am releasing you and all those versions of you

and I am choosing me.

I am my own person.

So… Thank you.

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